hot sauce

SQL Sizzler

$14.99

HOT - Orange Habanero For when your queries need a bit more... urgency. This orange habanero blend brings the heat that your SELECT statements wish they had. Fruity, fiery, and absolutely unforgiving - just like production on a Friday afternoon. Heat Level: Hot (like your laptop during a full table scan) Flavor Profile: Citrusy habanero with tropical undertones Recommended for: • Senior engineers who've seen things • Anyone who's debugged a 47-table JOIN • People who think "it works on my machine" is a valid excuse Warning: Will make you sweat more than a surprise audit. May cause spontaneous refactoring. Not responsible for any PRs submitted under the influence. 200ml bottle. Handle with the same caution you'd give a DELETE without a WHERE clause.

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MILD - Jalapeno & Garlic The entry-level heat for data analysts who prefer their queries optimised and their sauces approachable. A smooth blend of jalapeno and garlic that won't crash your taste buds on the first JOIN. Perfect for those who like to dip their toes in before diving into the data lake. Heat Level: Mild (like your staging environment) Flavor Profile: Garlic-forward with a gentle jalapeno finish Pairs well with: • Morning eggs while reviewing overnight batch jobs • Tacos during retrospectives • Anything, really - it's mild, we're not monsters Warning: May cause sudden urges to write better documentation. Side effects include improved query performance and a false sense of security before trying the hotter sauces. 200ml bottle. Shake well before use (like your confidence before a demo).

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Data Inferno

EXTRA HOT - Carolina Reaper Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. The Carolina Reaper: officially the world's hottest pepper, unofficially the reason your incident response team is on standby. This sauce doesn't just bring heat - it brings a full production outage to your mouth. Heat Level: EXTREME (like dropping the production database) Flavor Profile: Pure, unadulterated regret with hints of fruit Only for: • Those who've survived a complete data centre migration • Engineers who've fixed P0s at 3am and lived to tell the tale • People who genuinely believe they can handle it (you can't) ⚠️ SERIOUS WARNING: This sauce is genuinely extremely hot ⚠️ Do not operate heavy machinery or approve PRs after consumption ⚠️ Keep away from interns, executives, and anyone with a demo in the next hour 200ml bottle. We are not liable for any decisions made while your mouth is on fire.

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Out of Stock

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Cold Sauce

USE WITH EXTREME CAUTION. You'll ask "why is it cold?" Because room temperature would trigger a thermonuclear reaction. Contains trace amounts of caesium-137 and broken dreams. Side effects include: temporal displacement, spontaneous yodelling, and an inexplicable urge to argue with pigeons. For full medical disclaimer, consult Ian (if you can find him). ⚠️ NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION ⚠️ DEFINITELY NOT FOR PIGEON CONSUMPTION ⚠️ Store below 4°C or face the consequences

$9999.00